One of the biggest splits in modern society is the division between the spiritual and the material. Sensual pleasures are often seen as an obstacle to or a distraction from more noble spiritual pursuits.
But once we release the sexual shame that has been passed down through a few millennia of repression, we realize there is no true separation between the secular and the spiritual. In fact, we can apply the very same principles from the Church or Temple to the bedroom.
I have already written about The Spiritual Path of Love, now it’s time to consider the erotic aspects of the spiritual path. Here are six steps we can take for more spiritual sex:
1. Generosity
In yoga they call it the karmic path, in Sikhism it is known as Seva (or Sewa), and in the Church it takes the form of helping the needy. Whatever you want to call it, acts of generosity and giving are some of the most spiritual things we can do.
In the bedroom, generosity means focusing more on what you can give than what you can get. It means purposefully and intentionally doing whatever you can to pleasure your partner. That might include a generous massage or a bounty of oral pleasure, but it might also mean cleaning the house so both parties are able to fully relax and be present.
The Dutch Catholic priest Henri Nouwen noted, “Every time I take a step in the direction of generosity, I know I am moving from fear to love.”
2. No Misconduct
While the monastic traditions of many religions require vows of celibacy, the Buddhists take a more reasonable approach: Rather than refrain from all sexual conduct, one of the five precepts is to refrain from sexual misconduct.
In other words, do it right. The best kind of sex is consensual sex, and nothing is hotter than when somebody asks permission before acting.
Refraining from sexual misconduct also requires not lying or being intoxicated. So, remain sober and honest, and the love of your life will help further you along the spiritual path.
3. Ritual
There are countless rituals we bring to the Church, Temple, Synagogue, and our ceremonies, so why not introduce some to our most intimate act?
This might include lighting candles, setting out rose petals, playing sacred music, or beginning with a few minutes of intimate eye-gazing.
But really, it can be anything. “A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness,” writes John Gottman in the The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
4. Mindfulness
When I asked sex therapist Todd Baratz to reveal the best thing we can do for our sex lives on the Learn to Love Podcast, he answered simply, “practice mindfulness.” Another guest, the sexologist and author Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, expressed that mindfulness can help us break out of sexual shame and be fully present with our partners.
Indeed, one of the most important things we can do to improve our love lives, and bring our spiritual practice into the bedroom, is to maintain moment-by-moment awareness of exactly what is happening in the NOW.
After all, who wants their partner to be distracted and thinking about other things while under the sheets?
5. Reverence
Albert Schweitzer wrote, “by having a reverence for life, we enter into a spiritual relationship with the world.” Reverence is one of the most beautiful and spiritual attitudes we can bring to the bedroom.
This might look like cock or yoni worshipping, but it actually means deeply appreciating the person we are with and the special connection we are forming.
Sex, even casual sex, can be a sacred and special act. What matters most is your intention. Why not come to this beautiful act with a deep respect for its power, and for the person whom you are with?
6. Nonattachment
Being nonattached means practicing the right action without being attached to the outcome.
In the case of our sex lives, this means being pleasure-oriented rather than orgasm-oriented. As Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller point out in I <3 Female Orgasm, orgasm-obsession often leads people astray, as both partners focus so much on the big O that they feel a sense of failure if it is not achieved.
Oftentimes, our genitals don’t do the exact things we want them to. And that’s ok. We can remain nonattached to the specific outcome and instead focus on what feels good. As the saying goes, “pleasure is the measure.”
These six steps will help you make your sex more spiritual. What do you think? What do you do to bring spirituality into the bedroom? Comment below.
