“When you meet the right person, you’ll just know.”
We’ve all heard it. As if finding love wasn’t already hard enough, we now have to deal with all the clichés fed to us by the media, society at large, and our well-intentioned but oh-so-misguided friends.
In reality, if you lack a certain level of self-awareness and self-esteem, have a history of negative attachment patterns, or have any misunderstandings about how successful relationships work, you could very easily pass over and forget about the person you were meant to be with.
Rather than focusing on all the red flags you hear about, which can result in an endless revolving door of rejection, consider this list of relationship green flags, signals that the person you are with is a fantastic catch:
1. Laughter
One of the first things to look for when meeting someone new is how much that person makes you laugh. Simply put, people who make us happy are often those who will provide a great future.
You may be familiar with the work of John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades researching what makes successful relationships work. They found that successful couples have a 5:1 positive to negative experience ratio.
In other words, successful couples have a preponderance of happy experiences together, while couples that break up tend to spend the same amount of time arguing as they do connecting. Laughter is a beautiful sign that you are on the right track.
2. Genuine Kindness
When I interviewed dating coach Ruby Le of GoodGentleman.com on the Learn to Love Podcast, she made an important distinction between “good guys” and “nice guys.”
Good guys are naturally giving and generous, whereas nice guys think that they are entitled to women. If a “nice guy” does something nice for them, like pay for dinner or give them a ride home, they expect to get something in return, most often in the form of sex. That form of entitlement is toxic, and not actually nice at all, but manipulative.
So you want to look for genuine acts of kindness where they do not expect anything in return. Look for someone who is just genuinely kind to everyone around them: They are nice to the server, nice to their family, and nice to you without expecting you to give anything back.
3. A Sense of Safety
Finding a sense of safety is crucial in any intimate relationship. In fact, it is the main thing we evolved to do for each other as human beings.
Disregarding that important feeling of safety is the perhaps the most common reason we overlook Mr. or Mrs. Right. We go on one date and think, “that was good, but it wasn’t great,” and move onto the next person without giving proper consideration to that person’s positive attributes.
4. Self-Development
Let’s face it, nobody is perfect, and you never know what life is going to throw your way or what kind of stresses will be put on your relationship.
Therefore, one of the most important perspectives we can develop in life is a growth-oriented mindset, both for ourselves and our relationships.
Hopefully, the person with whom you are in a relationship is doing a number of activities to develop and improve themselves.
If on your first date they tell you that they just came from their therapist’s office or the gym, or they tell you about a book they just finished or a meditation retreat they just attended, those are all very good signs.
5. Emotional Regulation
If you ask your new suitor how they are doing and they answer, “Well, I’ve had a really rough day. But before we get into that, how are you doing?” that is a huge relationship green flag.
It means they are honest, in touch with their feelings, and able to regulate their emotions in order to still feel empathy for what you are going through.
You might have read the viral article that said the two most important factors in a relationship are kindness and generosity. It became popular because it sounds nice and easy, doesn’t it? Just be nice to each other.
Unfortunately, generous gifts or acts do not make a relationship successful on their own. You also need emotional generosity: a willingness to listen to and understand your partner’s point of view.
6. Shared Values
Shared values is the most common relationship green flag that you will hear about, and for good reason. While disagreements in relationships are normal and inevitable, you should agree on the larger aspects of life.
It is great to be at approximately the same phase of your life in terms of career development and family planning. It is also important to be able to have conversations about philosophy, art, cooking, or whatever else suits your fancy. Being able to go on fun trips together, such as to a sports game, rodeo, or camping trip, is also a plus.
But more importantly, how do you both feel about equality, independence, honesty, the environment, love and commitment? These are the shared principles that become the glue of any relationship.
So there you have it: six relationship green flags to look for when you are entering a relationship. What do you think? If you are currently in a relationship, how and when did you know you were with the right person? Comment below.
