Two weeks ago I wrote about how every new relationship should be aware of the natural phenomenon that typically occurs a year or two into a relationship. Namely, couples will experience a slow ebbing of passion and excitement as they transition from the lust and romance stages of their relationship to the connection and commitment stage. This transition is written into our very DNA after millions of years of evolution have designed us to propagate our species and maintain familial bonds for the raising of children.
This transition is not inevitable, however, nor is it necessary. In fact, there are a lot of ways to keep the passion and excitement alive throughout the entirety of a relationship. It just takes a bit of intentional effort to make it happen.
Here are five ways to keep new relationship energy alive as your connection continues over time:
1. Do exciting new things together
This one is a no-brainer. An easy way to bring excitement into a relationship is to do exciting things! Maybe that means extreme adventures like skydiving or white water rafting. Maybe it means going to a new city or country. But even watching a scary movie together can also elevate the heart rate and bring a sense of exhilaration back into your relationship.
At the beginning of a relationship, everything you did together was new, so having novelty in your relationship was pretty easy. But after a few years, you have to get creative. A good way to ensure that you are intentionally doing new experiences together, is to have a…
2. Date night!
It is incredibly important for couples to continue to “date” each other for their entire lives. It is easy to grow complacent with each other, to get off work and immediately turn on the television. But if you want to keep your new relationship energy alive, it is much better to go out on dates with each other, even if you live together.
So dress up and go bowling, or to a new restaurant, or even just get some dessert after eating a normal dinner at home. If you have kids, get a babysitter, family member, or friend to watch them for a bit so you and your special someone can act like kids yourselves again.
It is incredibly important to have dedicated time for you and your partner to keep the spark alive– just as important as it is to…
3. Give each other space
This one is going to be hard, especially at the beginning of a relationship, because new couples who have fallen in love tend to want to spend every minute of every day with each other. But, if you really want to keep the spark alive, you have to keep the mystery alive. You have to not allow your brain to grow complacent with this person, instead cultivating a healthy level of independence from each other.
Esther Perel talks a lot about the importance of independence in relationships, writing about how “eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination” in her book Mating in Captivity. I also love to remind my clients of Dr. Jack Morin’s erotic equation: desire + obstacles = excitement. By limiting some contact, or setting up some obstacle in the way of jumping into bed with your partner, you’ll increase the passion and excitement of the relationship.
Setting up space for sexiness to happen is a crucial part of…
4. Understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire
Have you ever been sitting next to someone on the couch, watching a movie, and, suddenly, the thought pops into your head, “wow, this person is really attractive, I kind of want to hop into bed with them”? That is what researchers call spontaneous desire–the thought and feeling of wanting to have sex with someone that occurs entirely on its own.
There is a lot of research to show that this happens more commonly in men than women, but what is more important is understanding that spontaneous sexual desire is a lot more common at the beginning of a relationship. As relationships go on, however, couples tend to feel more responsive desire, meaning sexual attraction only arises after the environment has been set.
This means it is important to set up situations that might make both of you feel sexy. Play some music, adjust the lighting, take a warm bath. It’s all right to “initiate” sex with your partner, even if you are not feeling immediately 100% up for it in that moment; this might mean starting out with a loving massage or cuddling and connecting before going further.
Another way to help your partner respond in a more sexy way is to…
5. Stop complaining and start appreciating
Our last and final step to keeping new relationship energy alive is to bring more positivity and love into the relationship. When I interviewed Dr. Phil Lee on the Learn to Love Podcast, he said that the biggest problem in relationships is when people do not feel appreciated. Over time, this problem is exacerbated as couples continue to criticize and attack each other, focusing only on the bad stuff and not the good stuff. Dr. Lee explained, “The more that they feel criticized, the more they feel put down, the more they feel unappreciated, the less happy they are with the relationship.”
So, to stop the downhill slide from passion to boredom, we have to come back to the same behavior we had at the beginning of a relationship, when we were trying to woo our partner: expressing how awesome they are. Give them compliments and point out all the positive things that they do for you. Genuine love and appreciation is sexy.
So there you have it! Five ways to keep that new relationship energy alive. What do you think? What practices have you found helpful in reigniting the spark between you and your partner? Let me know in the comments below.
