Last week, I wrote the four best things to say when your partner is upset. The post is a handy guide for what to say when you want to love your partner, but they are mad or frustrated about something.
But what about if our partner isn’t upset, and you two are just hanging out? What’s the best way to deepen your relationship to be happier and longer lasting?
We are told communication is important in relationships, but rarely taught how to communicate or what to communicate. If you find yourself sitting with your partner over dinner, or at a commercial break in your favorite television show, and not knowing what to say, this guide is for you.
I’ve coached hundreds of couples and have found a few essential key phrases will dramatically improve the dynamic of any relationship. I’d like to share them with you here so that you benefit from them too.
The first thing you should say is…
How are you feeling about (insert any subject here)?
The key to this question is that it is open ended. One of the worst things you can do is ask a yes or no question, like “so, did you take the car in for that oil change?” It won’t tell you about your partner, it won’t tell you what they are going through, and it won’t deepen your connection.
But ask your partner about how they feel about something, and you will learn something new. You will learn what they have been thinking about the past for days and how they might imagine things going in the future. The Gottman Institute call this building your “love map,” which is your knowledge of your partner on an intimate level.
Here are some examples:
- Honey, how do you feel about your new job?
- Darling, how are you feeling about me leaving for my business trip?
- How has your relationship with your mother been lately?
- What are your thoughts on next year’s vacation?
- How have you been feeling about our sex life?
It’s important to ask the question and practicing active listening during the answer. You are here to deepen your intimacy and deepen your knowledge with each other.
This statement will give you important information. But if you want to bring more positivity in, you can try saying…
I appreciate how (personality trait) you are when (specific action that they did).
We all want to be appreciated. A way to up-level your expression of appreciation is to pick out a specific thing your partner did, and see that is indicative of an innate quality they have. So rather than just say, “thanks for cleaning up.” you can say, “I appreciate how well you cleaned the floor, I love your attention to detail.”
Studies show that people in happy relationships often do the same number of things for each other as those in unhappy ones. But the happy couples notice the actions, savor them, and express appreciation for them more. The unhappy couples usually don’t notice nice actions at all or take them for granted.
Some examples include:
- I love and appreciate how kind you are when you read to our children.
- I appreciate how thoughtful you are when you make me a cup of coffee in the morning.
- I think you’re so sexy when you wear those pants.
Relationships are great mirrors for our own stuff, but they can also mirror back our own inherent goodness. When our genuine love touches our partner, they bloom like a flower.
But if a few words of appreciation aren’t enough, you might actually have to do something for your partner. In this case, you might ask…
Is there anything I can do right now to help you feel loved?
Again, this is a great question because it is open ended. It is too easy to assume we know what our partner wants and likes. It’s also easy to revert back to the same things you always to do express your love for your partner. But people change, and day to day our moods and desires change too.
So rather than guess what your partner is needing, ask them flat out: is there anything you can do right now to help them feel loved? Hopefully they give you an answer that is easy to follow through with.
So there you have it, 3 Phrases to Start Using in Your Relationship Right Now. Try them out, and let me know how it goes.
If things don’t improve, there might be some other underlying dynamics going on. Perhaps some love coaching might help.
